Bartessa
by Atomius
Summary: The Doofenshmirtz's move to Springfield.
1. The Doofenshmirtz's Move to Springfield

**Bartessa**

**By Mark Kochan 16/4/2009 (Chapters One and Two)**

It was a somewhat windy fall morning in Springfield. Already the trees had changed from green to a yellow-brown color, and the leaves had begun to fall and make a thin carpet upon the ground. Recent rain had dampened the ground and as it was still overcast the ground was still wet. The moist leaves clung to the shoes of a girl of the age of sixteen who was standing, shivering a little from the cold wind, beside a removal van. The girl wore black clothes and had a impatient expression upon her face. She checked a silver watch on her left wrist, which stated that the time was 8:35. She remembered the events of that morning, as she daydreamed whilst the delivery men carried furniture and other items into a normal suburban two storey house of brick, of the long drive in the car parked nearby with her father.

They had started early in the morning, around 3 am, and had arrived at Springfield a few minutes earlier. As the delivery men returned to get some more things, the girl, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz by name, thought of what her father had said about the decision to move from their old home town of Danville. She clearly recalled him saying how she needed a change of surroundings, a fresh start, and how he had been nervous and restless- blaming himself for Vanessa becoming cynical and nonconformist. He had for some time been having regular meetings with his former wife, and after a while they had begun to fall in love once more. They pushed aside all the little things that had distanced them, and Doofenshmirtz promised if she would come back to him and move to a new town and give Vanessa a fresh start he'd give up his business and get a simple clerical job at a regular office and devote his time to his daughter. Doubts had been raised about whether she wasn't beyond help, whether she wasn't already too old and too set in her gothic lifestyle, but eventually they had agreed that the best thing for her was to be normal and move to a normal town with normal parents. Vanessa remembered bitterly how he had said her friends were strange and how, in his evil villainy, he had forgotten the importance of normalcy. And yet, Vanessa thoght it just didn't add up. She was sixteen, sixteen- far too old to have a 'fresh start'. And her father had never shown any bitterness or even mild resentment to her gothic habits, indeed he seemed quite blissfully unaware of her social life, rather he would treat her as an assistant with his various schemes when they were together, and would often neglect to ask her about her everyday life. It was for these reasons and more that Vanessa suspected some alterior motive at play. And it had only been during the last few hours that she had been aware of just what that motive was.

During the trip from Danville her father had turned on the radio, and at the first words of the broadcast he had gone pale and shivered slightly, as if affected by some deep guilt. The news speaker has announced that a heroic secret agent had died in a battle with an evil villain and that the villain had fled the scene. Forensics experts believe that the death may have actually been an accident but that the villain had fled due to fear of the law. It then became obvious to Vanessa that her father was that evil villain and that the whole excuse of giving her a fresh start was all an act put on by her father, who had probably got some sympathy from his former wife, who, as Vanessa knew all too well, didn't believe for a second that Heinz was evil to any extent and would believe him when he came up with the excuse of giving Vanessa a fresh beginning, for she thought Vanessa was insane in her beliefs her father was evil. And so, after thinking for a few more moments about her fathers nemesis Perry the platypus, and whether or not her father would turn again to villainy in Danville or rather keep up this act of a fresh start in life doing good and leading a normal suburban life, Vanessa went inside the house, as the removalists stepped into their van and drove off. The damp autumn conditions had stuck a leaf to her right boot, and, carefully peeling it off on the doormat, she threw it onto the lawn. For a moment she thought she saw someone looking at her, but then she thought she must be mistaken. Could it be Perry? No, surely not... He surely did die in the battle. And yet she could have swore she saw two eyes staring at her from behind a bush.

Charlene and Heinz stood in their new living room, admiring the neatness and cleanliness of it all. Vanessa stood behind them in the hallway, and thought she had completely escaped her parents attention until her mother and father turned round, and her mother beckoned her to come into the living room by a motion of her hand.

"Don't you like your new home, Vanessa dear?" she said in a cautious voice.

"It's... nice. Very... normal" replied Vanessa with a tone of indifference thinly veiled by attempted interest.

"You'll have a new school of course" said Vanessa's mother, pulling a brochure from her pocket and handing it to her daughter.

Vanessa looked at the brochure. On the cover was a high school, regular looking, three storeys, of reddish brown brick. The words 'Springfield High' were written in black on the pale blue background of the sky. She opened the brochure and saw pictures of the Principal, teachers, classrooms, science lab equipment, the sports field and gym, and pretty much every nook and cranny worth photographing in the building and without in the grounds.

"Seems pretty nice" she said, in an attempt to sound interested and happy.

"Of course" said her mother, looking now almost frightened, "you'll meet new friends... I hope?"

"I'm sure in a town of this size there's got to be some people like me" replied Vanessa honestly. After all, the goth subculture wasn't exactly rare these days.

Vanessa's parents continued looking around the house and then entered the backyard. It was mostly lawn with two small flower beds, filled with azaleas and other ornamental plants. Then, after going back to the front of the house by way of the driveway, they came to where Heinz's car was parked, a normal mid range sedan of white. Vanessa had to admit her father had pulled all the stops in his plan to start afresh in a normal way. Then they went back inside and Vanessa went up to her room and started unpacking her things. It was now just past 9 am and the overcast conditions had got a little brighter, although the ground was still damp. It being a Saturday, Vanessa wasn't at all surprised whilst unpacking some gothic candlestick decorations to hear the sound of children laughing and playing outside in the street. That morning when they had drove up the street Vanessa had seen the sign which read 'Evergreen Terrace'. It was all so normal. She placed the candlesticks on either side of a photo frame which depicted in photographic form a boy she had liked in Danville. Vanessa flashed back to their parting, which had been painful for both, but they agreed to keep in touch, and Vanessa felt in her pocket a slip of paper with his phone number written on it. She smiled, but only momentarily, as she heard her father calling for her to come downstairs.

"What is it dad?" asked Vanessa.

"We're going to meet the neighbours. If we're to make a fresh start living good, normal lives, we must be polite to our neighbours"

Vanessa noted her father and mother were wearing regular clothes, and that her father had combed his hair flat so as to look more respectable. She, whilst happy her father wasn't evil anymore (although having quite a few doubts as to the assured longevity of this change), was also not very happy about the move, and was feeling that her parents were taking things too far. However she thought perhaps it was for the best, and after all, her father spending more time with her but not doing evil had to be a plus. She just wished her friends were still close to her. Still there was always the internet and telephone calls. By the way she had come to thinking about when she would call her friends they had gone around the low brick dividing wall that separated their house from their neighbours house. The house was occupied by an elderly couple who seemed very pleased to have new neighbours.

"It's not often we have something to cheer us up at our age" said the lady, "the former residents of 741 Evergreen Terrace were so loud and noisy"

"You mean the current occupants of 742" commented the man in a tone that suggested he was not on good terms with said residents.

"Oh but they weren't living next to us... And those young fellows at number 741 with their loud music and reckless skateboarding outside were more than a bit of a nuisance"

"The boy seemed to like them"

"Hmm... he would. The boy would, of that I'm sure. Never was there a more devilish creature on this Earth than that Bart Simpson"

Heinz interrupted "The Simpsons... Are these the residents of 742 Evergreen Terrace? They'd be our neighbours like you"

"Yes" said the lady, with a tone of warning, "and you'll not find worse neighbours in this world. Why, the father was only yesterday chasing my poor cat about the street because it had stolen a donut from him playfully"

Heinz, Charlene and Vanessa listened to some more complaints about the Simpson family until well past 9:30 when their neighbours said goodbye to them and gave them some small gifts of some home baked cookies. They then went to number 742. Heinz knocked on the door. It was opened by a middle aged man, bald and obese.

"Yes?"

"I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and this is my wife Charlene. We've just moved in next door"

"Oh, you'll be the new neighbours. Come in, my wife's been expecting you"

The Doofenshmirtz's, minus Vanessa, entered, and found themselves in a similar house to their own, though more sparsely furnished and untidy. They were invited to sit down on the couch in the living room. The television was on and a baby and a young girl were seated watching a show. The boy, so infamous in those parts, was nowehere to be seen, and was, thought Heinz and Charlene, probably outside playing with his friends. The man returned with his wife, an average looking housewife in a green dress with tall blue hair. They greeted each other and had some coffee. After telling their story the Doofenshmirtz's listened to the story of the Simpson family, and were told about Springfield. Then the two couples discussed their children and it was then that Marge Simpson had an idea. She informed the Doofenshmirtz's that she and her husband had been wanting to spend a few days together on holiday without the kids, and that they'd be grateful if Vanessa would babysit them. Heinz turned to Charlene and then back to the Simpsons.

"Well I'm sure she'd love to"

After returning to their new house the Doofenshmirtz's went upstairs to talk with their daughter. Vanessa received them into her room and listened to their proposition.

"Sure... I'll babysit Bart Simpson" she said with a bored air.

That night Marge and Homer Simpson left in their car, after telling Vanessa what to do. Bart still hadn't returned but Vanessa was told he'd be back any minute. Vanessa took Lisa back inside. It just happened that Bart was closer than his parents thought. He had spent most of the day at his friend Milhouse's place, but, having earlier spotted a removal van, had returned and watched the Doofenshmirtz's with interest. And now, climbing the tree outside his bedroom window, he entered the house ready to make his entrance. He opened his bedroom door and went down the stairs and into the living room where Vanessa was with Lisa, having put Maggie to bed. Vanessa observed Bart, and Bart observed Vanessa.

"So" thought Bart, "this is the new babysitter, huh? Well aside from her good looks let's see her other virtues if any"

"So" said Bart, "you're my new babysitter eh?"

"Yes Bart. I've heard quite a lot about you"

"I thought you were new here?"

"Yes... who told you that?"

"Oh... nevermind that. So... where are you from?"

"A town called Danville. It's west of here by quite a distance"

"Why did you come here?"

"My dad... had a career change"

"Uh huh. Any siblings?"

"No... You ask a lot of questions Bart"

"I like hearing a lot of answers. You into skateboarding?"

"No..."

Lisa stepped in.

"Don't pester Vanessa, Bart. She's new in town. We should make her feel at home and welcome, not badger her and interrogate her"

"Your sister's right, Bart. Give me a break"

"I'm only saying what i'm thinking. If you can't take me being real then-"

"It's not that Bart... Look I'd love to get to know you and all... But I've just moved here and... I haven't made any new friends or seen my new school..."

"What school are you going to?"

"My parents told me it's a place called Springfield High, heard of it?"

"Yeah, 'course I have. Worst school in the state"

"That bad huh?"

"Well... I said worst school... I meant worse high school. I go to Springfield Elementary. I tell you that place is falling apart. Bullies rule the place... Just yesterday Jimbo Jones beat me up just because I didn't agree with him that High School Musical III was better than High School Musical II"

"This Jimbo sounds bad"

"Yeah... he's the baddest. But he aint real like me. He thinks he's cool but he's not. He just acts all cool but deep down he's just a coward"

"I'll remember that... So Bart..."

"Yeah?" said Bart, beginning to like the new girl somewhat more.

"You have any friends my age?"

"Well... not really. My best friend is called Milhouse Van Houten... and he's ten like me... But I'm sure a nice girl like you will find it easy to make friends"

"Yeah... maybe"

"You're alright Vanessa. You're pretty cool"

"Thanks Bart"

Lisa looked up from her weekend homework.

"Doofenshmirtz... Doofenshmirtz... That's an odd name... Are you from germany or Austria or something?"

"My father comes from Drueselstain, it's around that area i think..."

"Drueselstain... Ah yes, we did a report on any European country last year and I chose Drueselstain. Remarkable for it's natural resources and castles"

Vanessa put Bart and Lisa to bed at 8 pm and then went to sleep on the couch.

"Well these people aren't so bad really..." she thought to herself, "that Bart isn't so bad, and whilst the Simpsons are pretty dysfunctional I bet deep down they're real nice people"

Meanwhile at the Doofenshmirtz's, Heinz was getting on his workclothes. Charlene didn't think it too odd that he worked a night shift, and was perfectly comfortable with Heinz's explanation that he wanted to spend the day with Vanessa and her. But of course Doofenshmirtz, once a villain and always a villain, needed to exersize his evil muscles. Sure, this wasn't the tri-state area, but Springfield was still a worthy place to take over. He kissed his wife goodbye, and, tie and suit and polished work shoes on, he took his briefcase to the car parked in the driveway. He then set off towards the city centre, where, amidst the tall buildings, was a skyscraper, the regional HQ of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. And, as he drove towards the building, his evil mind full of joy at a fresh challenge, a shadow passed above him, and, looking through the windshield and squinting Heinz could have sworn he saw a platypus using a hoverjet fly in the same direction. No... Surely a trick of the light. As much as he missed Perry, he knew that he had killed him in battle. He cried a few tears of sorrow for his old enemy and drove on.

Doofenshmirtz arrived at the regional HQ of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and was greeted enthusiastically by his workers. Ascending via a lift to the top floor he found himself in a private room where he could operate his evil schemes. He switched on the fluorescant lights and revealed the giant chamber, three storeys high and as wide as the building itself. And then he sat down in a sofa chair and turned on his plasma screen television. The news was on, and a person called Kent Brockman was talking about a recent earthquake when Doofenshmirtz heard what sounded like footsteps. Turning casually around he got the fright of his life, when, lo and behold, there standing wearing the all too familiar fedora was Perry the platypus!

"I... I... I... But Perry! I thought you had died in that terrible disaster back in Danville!"

Perry handed Doofenshmirtz a piece of paper and Doofenshmirtz held Perry's hand as if to check he wasn't dreaming. Yes, there was his soft fur and pulse all right. Doofenshmirtz could hardly contain his joy.

"Perry! Perry the platypus! You're alive! Oh how wonderful this is! But... How did you escape? Oh... this paper must explain that"

Doofenshmirtz read the paper which was written in ink and signed by Major Monogram. It read;

Dear Doctor Doofenshmirtz,

We have information from Agent P that you believe to have killed said agent. This is untrue. Agent P informs me that after the explosion he ran away thinking all was fine and didn't realise you had mistook this for his death amid the thick fumes of the after effects of the explosion. I regret, along with all the staff at the organisation, that you were convinced of such an unfortunate event having taken place. In order to compensate you we have decided to send Agent P to Springfield to inform you of these things. We have also heard of your intentions to turn to the good side, and, once bitten twice shy, we will wait until some time to give you your complimentary hamper basket, say five weeks, just to be sure. I never got that hamper back Doofenshmirtz. That was a darn good hamper. I tell you, there was all sorts of great stuff... Anyway, I wish you luck in your endeavours having turned to the good side again... Hopefully this time for real-

Your good friend,

Major Monogram

"Oh Perry the platypus, it's so good to see you in one piece. But... are you going back to Danville?"

Perry nodded sadly and then began to walk away when Doofenshmirtz stopped him.

"Wait... If you won't be my nemesis... I'll have to really turn to the good side... But I can't do that..."

Perry shrugged his shoulders, unsure of what to suggest to his old enemy.

"Hmm... well at least stay with me one last night just for old times sake? One last night together as enemies? No battling or anything... We can order pizza and watch the Seinfeld marathon on NBC"

Perry smiled and nodded happily and sat on Doofenshmirtz's sofa as the doctor went to phone for pizza. Once the pizza had arrived they were already watching the second Seinfeld episode.

"You know Perry... I never go to Chinese reataurants myself because of the waiting time... Hmm... that gives me an idea!"

Perry looked up at his enemy sadly and held his arm with his hand.

"Yes... yes... no point in having evil schemes if no one's going to stop you... sigh... Oh no, not another news update. I want comedy, not tragedy"

Kent Brockman addressed the viewers.

"And in breaking news local billionaire autocrat C Montgomery Burns had announced plans to buy a monopoly of all convenience stores, and large mark-ups are expected. The government could do nothing in the face of hundred thousand dollar bribes. And now to sport. The Springfield Atoms defeated the-"

Doofenshmirtz turned off the tv and sat, thinking for a minute.

"Autocrat... doesn't that mean... leader?"

Perry shrugged.

"Hmm... This Burns... he seems powerful... If he can get away with having a monopoly of convenience stores that means the law is pretty lax here... Perfect conditions for a villain to-"

He looked down at Perry.

"No, it wouldn't be right... Best start anew as a good honest citizen"

Perry smiled. Just then his bracelet beeped. Perry shook hands with Doofenshmirtz and left in his hoverjet.

"Wait, wait! Come back Perry the platypus!"


	2. The Villains Battle For A Foe

Perry landed at the location his hoverjet's GPS system had told him to land. It was a deserted carpark outside a convenience store, namely the Kwik-E-Mart. Perry's GPS, which could be detached from the hoverjet, told him that the secret message receiving room was within the store. Whilst the carpark was abandoned as it was midnight or thereabouts, the store was open as it was a 24/7 store. Walking with his fedora on into the store his eyes adjusted to the relative brightness of the fluorescant lighting and bright advertisements. Perry looked about him as he followed his GPS's instructions. The only people at the store were a middle aged obese bald man talking with the store manager, an Indian man of Hindu appearance, and a group of three teenage boys playing arcade games and drinking squishees. Perry followed the GPS's instructions and came at last to the male bathroom door. Opening it he followed the instructions into a vacant cubicle, and sat on the toilet. For a while nothing happened, and Perry suspected the GPS was faulty, but then he spotted a flush button in the cubicle wall. He pressed it and the toilet slid back, Perry jumping from it. The toilet revealed a hole in the wall into which Perry crawled, at last coming out into a secret underground room after going down a flight of stone steps. He sat down in a chair of 1980s design. Major Monogram appeared and addressed Perry.

"Agent P, Doctor Doofenshmirtz is up to something. Oh wait... No... Seeing as Doofenshmirtz has turned to good-" "Even I knew that" "-Shut up Karl!- As I said, seeing as Doctor Doofenshmirtz has turned good, we have reassigned you to Springfield where you will fight the evil Charles Montgomery Burns and stop his latest scheme to monopolise convenience stores under the name Burns-E-Mart, charging outrageous prices for everyday goods. The government pretended to cave in to his bribes, which were enough to land him a spot in the banger, so we want you to stop him! Here is the information you will need to access his secret whereabouts. Oh, and don't worry about your family in Danville, they've been given a robotic replacement. They probably won't even notice you're gone. After all platypuses... platypae... platypl... pl... don't do that much when you think about it"

A old fashioned inkjet printer from the 80s printed slowly an address and instructions. Perry read;

Burns Manor, Burns Estate, Burns Road, Burnswood, North Springfield

Instructions upon entry: Secure Mr Burns using the gadget in the red closet, it will stop him from going out of his Mansion. But be fast, he is a crafty villain, and has been known to go to many lengths in order to protect his freedom.

Perry saluted Monogram and took the securing gadget with him, and went to Mr Burns' mansion. It was now about one in the morning, and the mansion's grounds were pitch black due to the overcast conditions. However, being equipped with a miniature spy torch, Perry found his way to a window, through which light was coming, and spied on the scene within. It was a grand stately room, set out like a banquet with all manner of foods of excellent quality and rarity upon an old fashioned table dating to many years ago. Paintings of various people adorned the walls, although most prominent of all was Mr Burns himself, often in front of factories businesses and other profitable ventures under his power. But most prominent amongst these backdrops was the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, the cooling towers of which Perry remembered distinctly as he flew into town. Perry crashed through the window. Mr Burns was seated eating a turkey, his faithful servant Waylon Smithers by his side, seeing to his every need. As Perry crashed through the glass and onto the banquet laden table Mr Burns jumped up in surprise and observed the platypus, now poised carefully ready for any sudden movement from his opponent.

"Smithers- what's this? Is this one of those newfangled Neopets I've been hearing about? Come here, Shoyru!"

"Actually sir it's Perry the platypus, one of the secret agents working for Major Monogram, the man who works for the government and is head of the secret animal orderkeeping forces or AOF"

"Smithers you amaze me, how did you know all that?"

"One of my friends used to work for the government and told me about him"

"Hmm... So, this platypus, this... Perry the platypus... Is a secret agent working for the government is he? How dare he crash through my priceless Victorian glass! It was the last remaining fragments saved from the Crystal palace fire!"

"Actually sir we had it replaced with cheap glass after Bart Simpson shattered it all with that rock throwing escapade back when you made him your heir"

"You remember too much Smithers, what are you, a fanboy? Whatever next? Quotes? References? Episode Ideas? I'm not a blasted television show! Finish the platypus!"

"With pleasure sir"

Smithers now transformed from mild mannered servant to quick-thinking man of action, and pulled out a revolver and aimed it at Perry. Perry aimed his spy laser weapon at Smithers. They faced off and many bullets and lasers were fired in all directions, but due to both of their abilities at being quick and flexible in their manoeuvres, they both avoided each others fire. However the banquet hall was ruined. Priceless paintings were left ripped and torn, the food was a mess, and the furniture ruined. Mr Burns had had enough.

"Stop!" he said, with an authoritative air, "At once!"

This was done, and both Smithers and Perry looked at the angry figure of Mr Burns, who of course had every right to be angry considering the circumstances.

"So, illegally enter my mansion would you? Break my Victorian furniture would you? Slash my paintings would you? Oh, you'll find you have a worthy nemesis in me, Perry the platypus. When I press this button one of my men will alert my guards. They will destroy you, you government agent. No more supressing the small businessman, no more unfair government interference in financial affairs- Laissez faire! Laissez faire forever! Glory to America! Damned Democrats!"

Perry could see it was hopeless to fight Mr Burns so he left, defeated. Perhaps he had met his match. He'd inform Major Monogram of the situation, perhaps backup could be arranged. But this was not to be. Monogram rather than assigning more agents seemed to think that perseverance was the best hope, as there were many similar situations demanding the other agents attention, and it would be biased to send reinforcements to one of many equally important problems. So Perry resigned himself to his duty. He'd defeat Burns one way or another.

The next day, Sunday, Doofenshmirtz sat watching the news at his new house. Charlene sat next to him. Vanessa was still babysitting Bart Lisa and Maggie at the Simpsons, and Marge and Homer were still away on holiday. Kent Brockman appeared after a story on climate change and addressed the viewers.

"It seems that the town's much hated autocrat Mr Burns may have met his match. Secret Agent P, working for the government's Animal Orderkeeping Forces or AOF-"

Doofenshmirtz picked up his ears.

"-has been assigned to deal with Mr Burns over the latest evil scheme of his, to monopolise convenience stores across town. Mr Burns speaks to us live from his company's headquarters, BurnsCorp International HQ, in downtown Springfield"

Mr Burns appeared and addressed the viewers.

"My fellow Springfieldians, I am not a criminal. You may think that what I have done is outrageous, but have any of you got the guts to stop me?" He paused with effect. " I thought not. That is why I shall deal with this Agent P as I have with all these government interferers, and I shall defend the freedoms and rights of Americans to monopolise!"

"Nasty fellow isn't he?" said Charlene, turning to her husband.

"Yes... nasty indeed... Us good people... have to... watch out for... people like him... If you'll excuse me I think I'll go see if anything needs to be done at the office"

"What about Vanessa?"

"She's babysitting at the Simpsons isn't she?"

Doofenshmirtz raced in his car around town buying supplies and then went to his regional HQ and ascended to the top level where he started building a new device. And just as he was about to operate it Perry appeared at the window.

"Ah Perry the platypus! How unexpected... and by that I mean... unexpected... I thought you'd given up on me!"

Perry smiled and shook hands with his enemy then stepped back and resumed his former pose.

"Well Perry, since you're here perhaps you'd like to see my latest invention, the... Coffee-Photo-inator... oh who am I kidding... it's just a giant photocopying machine... Although you must admit it was a brilliant afterthought to add a coffee machine. Perfect for any office. Do some photocopying and have a coffee, using the same... machine... Ugh... This is pathetic isn't it?"

Perry smiled and patted Doofenshmirtz on the arm and then jetted off.

"Guess I'd better work on my schemes a bit more... Hmm... never did much care for advertisements. Perhaps I can invent an Advertisement-Away-inator?"

Mister Burns sat in his office, reading the paper. Sunlight came in through the windows during a brief moment when a gap opened in the clouds but this soon ceased. A knock came upon Burn's office door and he rose and went to answer it, as Smithers was at present doing some business in another part of the building.

"Ah, you'll be my ten o'clock appointment. But aren't you a little late? It's nearly ten past!" said Burns, letting in his guest with an air of businesslike brisk politeness.

His guest was none other than Heinz Doofenshmirtz, who sat down when offered a seat, and waited whilst Burns checked some files.

"Yes", said Burns, after some moments had passed, "Here it is. Doofenshmirtz, that's your name isn't it? And you recently moved here from Danville... Ah yes... lovely city, I once took Smithers and my employees there for our annual picnic. Fun times were had by all. Odd that they still demand an eight hour day. Hmm... so what's your business here good fellow?"

Doofenshmirtz addressed Burns, "Well to be quite honest I am an evil villain and... so are you"

"My good fellow I am an honest businessman"

"That's not what the townfolk say of you. Or Perry the platypus"

"Perry... the platypus... you say? Hmm... just a few days ago a platypus crashed my evening dinner. Terribly impolite fellow he was. I felt like getting a stick and giving him a good beating. Disgraceful fellow, this Perry. Doesn't respect an honest man's privacy. He should be hanged post haste. Why... if I had him here I'd... Oh, now wait a minute... He's a friend of yours is he?"

"Yes... sort of. We're enemies actually"

"Hmm... say... this file says you moved with your wife and daughter. Perhaps in the interests of politeness we should be introduced to them... as... it appears you have taken the liberty of bringing them into my foyer"

"How on Earth?"

"My good fellow I am not the boss of an atom splitting plant for nothing. I do have a bit of technological know how and I have installed a closed circuit television system which alerts me to such things. Right now your good wife and daughter are sitting on one of the benches for waiting visitors reading some rather dull magazines. Hmm... I do get a bit of a thrill from others boredom and suffering... An old man such as myself requires amusement. Do bring them in good fellow and we shall discuss the matter of this Perry the platypus in due course afterward, for I have an inkling your family shall provide me with much needed nourishment in the way of amusement. Bring them in or I shall get security to take you out. You sir, may be considered a worthy villain in your hometown but here I rule, and I shall hear nothing of sharing a nemesis with another villain. Leave at once or bring your family, either way it shall amuse me to make you feel inferior to myself"

Doofenshmirtz gripped the arm of his chair with a furious rage. This fellow had the sheer nerve to address him as an inferior, despite his obvious superiority? Oh, he'd show this Mr Charles Montgomery Burns a lesson or two.

"My good fellow" began Doofenshmirtz, but Burns merely smiled and pressed a button. Almost at once two strong men came up, obviously security guards serving Mr Burns, and held either of Doofenshmirtz's shoulders in an iron grip, quite unyielding to his many jerking movements to cause an escape from it.

"Very well, Mr Burns. I see you hold power over me at present. I shall amuse you by letting my family witness your public humiliation of myself, but, afterward it shall be war "

"Oh surely you jest Mr Doofenshmirtz"

"Doctor Doofenshmirtz. Don't forget it."

"But... surely a doctor wouldn't turn to evil? No... I rather believe that was a title gotten by way of money... rather than skill and achievement. You sir are no more a doctor than a dalek"

"I see. Very well then. Show them in if you must"

It was indeed an uncomfortable silence whilst Doofenshmirtz waited his wife and daughter's arrival at the office of his newfound foe. But when they came in, Doofenshmirtz thought of an idea to vanquish Burns once and for all. Introducing Burns to his wife and daughter, both of which receiving a polite kiss on the hand and nod of greeting, he sat himself once more down and addressed his foe with tones of triumphant victory.

"You Burns, must be a busy man. I shall trouble you no further with this inexcusable wasting of your time. A man of business such as yourself surely could not afford to waste a moment. Good day to you"

"Good day to you" said Burns, gripping his ballpoint pen tightly as he did so, and waving a cheerful goodbye to Vanessa and Charlene.

That night Burns swore vengeance on his new enemy. It was now officially war. He prepared his battle plan and the next morning, over his coffee and paper, told Smithers of the plan.

"But surely Mr Burns there are simpler ways for a man of business such as yourself to rid yourself of a foe, surely you could merely give him a bribe to leave town, or likewise with this platypus agent"

"Smithers you are a stupid fool. The platypus is dedicated to his job and wouldn't accept a bribe, I can see it in his determined face and his set features. No, and this Doctor Doofenshmirtz has too much pride to let go of it. He, like myself, is a villain. And villains do not accept compromises. We shall fight for Perry's enemyship, even if it costs us all we have gained. It is a matter of principle and as such must be upheld to the bitter end. Come, Smithers, to battle! Let us vanquish that infernal fellow so I can get back to my monopolising"

Perry was being given orders to fight Burns over the monopoly when Monogram received news and told Perry that afterward he must fight Doofenshmirtz over a similar monopoly. Perry understood what this indicated (although Monogram seemed none the wiser and somewhat confused, muttering something about a waste of hampers) and knew what he had to do. If he stopped fighting in order to effect a peace it would just lead to a worse situation and both villains would try harder to impress him to become their enemy, and if he continued fighting them both they'd never give up and there would be an infinite stalemate in which he would be trapped. Therefore there was but one option. To bring in another agent to fight Burns so he could concentrate on Doofenshmirtz and convince Doofenshmirtz to leave Springfield. Otherwise Doofenshmirtz would stay in Springfield and Perry would never return to his masters, those two young boys Phineas and Ferb, whom he loved dearly, and their delightful little friends in the town of Danville. So, putting on his fedora, he began a recruitment campaign to find a new agent to fight Burns.

His campaign was long and fruitless until at long last he came across an alley filled with fighting cats. What it was they were fighting over soon became observable when his presence alerted their attention from their prey and they stepped back in amazement at the odd figure of Perry. Between the mass of about ten cats was a young boy of nerdish appearance wearing glasses and with blue hair. The boy straightened his glasses, which were cracked from the fight, and observed Perry. Then he took off his glasses and blew on them, wiping them and replacing them, and observed Perry. This he did thrice times more. Then he fainted.

Perry stood beside the boy until he recovered. The young nerd replaced his glasses for the umpteenth time, and now, apparently convinced it was all a dream, pinched himself and screamed in agony before looking once more at the platypus who smiled and held out a hand as if to shake the boys.

"Woah... this is so weird. I shouldn't have had that fourth pure syrup squishee… Wait till I tell Bart!"

"So", thought Perry, "this is a friend of Bart Simpsons. Hmm, interesting. I'd best make his acquaintance and train him as a secret agent!"

Perry held Milhouse Van Houten's hand in his and they walked together down the alley, Milhouse at last begging leave of the grip for it caused his back to arch uncomfortably, so they walked beside each other along the pavement through downtown Springfield. High above them loomed the great tower of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and other office towers.

Meanwhile Bart and Lisa had invited Vanessa into their backyard to play a game of tag. Vanessa had planned to find some friends at Springfield High but those of her variety at the school were locally elitist and didn't much care for newcomers, even if they weren't posers to the gothic variety and ways. So, she had resigned herself to having young Bart and Lisa as her friends, and they rewarded her. Maybe this fresh start wasn't such a bad thing.

Bart, Lisa and Vanessa played tag for a few more hours until it was dinner time at which point they went inside, the Simpsons having invited the Doofenshmirtz's over for dinner. After brushing their teeth Vanessa went to Bart's room, for she was to sleep over that night as Bart's parents were going to see a film in town. Lisa slept soundly whilst Bart talked animatedly with Vanessa on various subjects and the two formed a close friendship. And whilst earlier Vanessa would have preferred the teenage company she was used to to that of Bart, she began to feel alright about Bart's childish perspective of youthful optimism and boyish enthusiasm, and for a minute regretted her decision to turn to those bleak gothic ways which had been the output of her cynical depressed views. It happened that that night on MTV there was a Daria marathon and so Bart and Vanessa watched it. It soon became apparent that Daria was unhappy but resigned to her lifestyle of antisocialism. This caused Vanessa to think on her own choice of character and ways, and indeed she began to feel ever fonder of Bart, whose optimism and unrelenting thirst for life filled her with a rebellious and glorious spirit which in turn filled her with anger and happiness and other emotions, which required an outlet. All of a sudden she felt compelled to do something cool, something young, and something that was rebellious to society, to normality, to her father's old fashioned ways... Bart's energy was infectious and virile. It gave her such a high that she felt as if she had reached Nirvana. This was the friend she had been seeking for all these years.

After conversing with Bart about his history of pranking Vanessa asked Bart what his friends were like and Bart spoke of Milhouse Van Houten and of Ralph Wiggum and of Richard and of Lewis and of many others such as the twin girl sisters Sherri and Terri, one of whom liked Bart. And then they turned back to Milhouse and Bart discussed his feelings for Lisa and of the many failed attempts at a closer friendship that Milhouse had attempted on her. They talked of many things and then went to sleep.

The next day they both arose and it being a school day they set off to their respective schools. Vanessa went to Springfield High. As she climbed the steps leading to the entrance she saw the elitist poser gothic clique standing in a rebellious but quiet fashion on the upper steps talking in low voices about music and fashion. It then became apparent to Vanessa how peripheral popular music and fashion were and that these kids who thought they were cool were actually quite pathetic.

After school at the Simpsons' house she, Bart, Lisa and Milhouse played in the back yard. They played at first a mock battle, with forts held by Bart and Vanessa and Lisa and Milhouse respectively (these said forts being constructed of spare wood supplied from the garage and other such odds and ends). Then they played at stockmen and native Americans, and moon explorers, and other such games. Then they had dinner and all was very cheerful.

Meanwhile Perry's new agent Milhouse (who had not disclosed to Bart his newfound identity on orders of Perry by way of a notepad Perry used to communicate with 'Agent M' as he was referred to by Major Monogram) was doing splendidly in his efforts against the evil Mr Burns who was soundly defeated. Then this news being conveyed by Perry to Doofenshmirtz, Doofenshmirtz agreed to move back to Danville. Perry was happy because he'd be with Phineas and Ferb again just like old times.

Vanessa, upon hearing of this, was quite upset and said goodbye to Bart in quite an emotional fashion. Then the Doofenshmirtz's left. The next day a removal van came to the driveway at number 741 and Bart looked to see who had moved in. Could it be a new friend like Vanessa? No... Nobody would ever top Vanessa, who Bart would never forget until his dying day the only girl he ever truly loved. Not that he could bring himself to tell her this, but there had been an understanding between them. Bart suggested writing, but they both agreed their futures lay along different paths and it was not meant to be.

The new neighbours came to the Simpsons' house for dinner that night.

"So who are these new people at number 741?" asked Homer, putting his remote down briefly to look at his wife.

Marge replied "They say they are called the Griffins and they come from a place called Quahog"


End file.
